Chapter 13 - Now

Now is all I think about

Now that I am happy

And I'm not sure if there will be a future for us...

Now is all I offer

It's everything I got

And I still wish that there will be a future for us...

LEE DONGHAE

"Althea," I called her.

She looked at me but continued to walk as if she didn't mind my presence. When she walked past where I was standing, I followed her and held her arm to stop her.

"Please, hear me out."

She didn't look at me.

"Please don't make this hard for me," she finally said.

I wrapped my arms around her shoulders in a backhug. I expected her to breakaway but she didn't move.

"I'll admit," I whispered to her ear as I rested my chin on her shoulder. "At first, I was only interested in you because of your feelings for me. I felt sorry for breaking your heart when I made public my relationship with Eunseo. However, as we became good friends, I felt something different. I feel blissful happiness with you. I mean, I can be myself without thinking about my reputation or whatsoever. I feel so comfortable with you which I've never felt with any girl, even with Eunseo. I feel sad when I'm not with you. I feel pain when I see you with someone else. I was not sure if all of these feelings are true because I myself know that we've just met. But then I realized would time really matter? I've never felt this before and all I care about is now. So please, Althea.. Give me a chance.. You gave Kevin a chance and I believe I deserve it too..."

Althea remained silent during my entire speech. When I stopped talking, she still didn't give me an answer. I just felt a drop of liquid falling into my arm.

Tears... She's... crying?

She then held my arm, let go and walked fast away from me. My legs didn't move. I remained standing and just looked at her disappear from my sight.

I know I am hurt from all of this happening between us but now it hit me. Althea is hurting too and the pain she's enduring could be a hundred times more than mine...

^__^

ALTHEA RYZ FAJARDO

I had to let go.

All he was saying were beautiful words describing his feelings for me yet instead of being happy, it felt like my heart was shattered.

As I reached my cabin, I locked the door and threw my things on my sofa. I lay on my bed with my face on my pillow. I tried so hard to stop my tears from falling but they won't. I really don't understand why I felt that way.

Why are you doing this to me? Why are you falling for me? As much as I want to love you, we couldn't be together. You are a star and I'm just your fan. I've already accepted the reality of us being impossible. I've already accepted that you will never be mine. That's why I never believed your feelings from the start. But now, why are you telling me all of this?

After crying my heart out, I've realized that I should stop. Stop all the tears because this vacation was for me to relax and enjoy. I wiped my face and looked at myself in the mirror.

Hey, Althea. Are you crazy crying from all of this?  Stop being such a crybaby. You've matured already, right? Think of a way to get through this. Those guys shouldn't be your responsibility. You're here to unwind and have fun! Tomorrow will be the last day before we dock at another port. You're next excursion would be an adventure tour in Roseau, Dominica . If you remain stuck in this room, crying all day, you will be crazy! Might as well, prepare for the next excursion! Just avoid those two and you will be fine! You're better off alone, right?

"Yes, I can do this!" I told myself and flashed a smile.

I slept after having such self-reflection...

---

I decided to wake up early to avoid meeting those I didn't want to meet. I rushed to the jogging oval in deck 13 and was lucky to be there alone. After having good exercise, I had 'brunch' at the diner. I took shower in my cabin and changed. Morning passed smoothly without any problems.

I had a short nap of about 2 hours. Then I went to the place where only nerds like me go - library. I am pretty sure those guys won't be there. And I was right. There were only 4 people in it and they were all girls, which made me so glad. I took three good books to read - Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl and Harold Kushner, and Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver. I settled in the hidden corner of the room to avoid people seeing me. So far in this trip, this day was the most peaceful  one for me.

When it was about six in the evening, I went to deck diner where only few would visit and had an early dinner. Still there were no signs of Donghae nor Kevin. After having dinner, I went to the computer room and surfed the internet. I browsed through my twitter account and read updates on Super Junior members, especially Donghae. I've read his tweets since the first day of the cruise.

* First time to cruise! Wow, what a huge ship! Thank you Jungsu-hyung!^^

* Had great adventure today! So tired but happy!^^

* Unexpected events happening...

* I've never been this happy!^^

* So confused...

* Now, I'm sure...

I've read the responses of other ELF and they were bothered on what his problem was. They were asking what happened in the trip, if there is a problem, what was he sure about and will he announce something soon. It even trended on twitter. I was amazed that he was still able to update things like these even if he's on a cruise.

After about two hours, I left the room and went back to my cabin. I packed the important things needed for my excursion the next day. When all things were set, I slept early.

---

I arrived at the meeting area early after having an early shower and breakfast. I was too excited for this excursion after spending like five days on board. I've got all the things needed and I was confident although scared a little since this would be my first time. I've never really tried this outdoor activity before. I was also pretty sure that those guys won't have the same excursion as mine.

"Is everyone here already?" the team head asked.

 I looked around and smiled that I could see no traces of them. we started to move when we heard someone calling for us.

"Wait! I'm also included in this!" someone called up.

"I'm part of this team too!" another one called.

Wait. Those voices are familiar...

I looked around to see who were calling.

Kevin... and Donghae...

They looked at each other as if they were having a competition. When they saw me, they both waved and smiled.

Oh no... not again!